Collectively, from my corporate work experience and as part of my coaching practice, I observe sides of unhealthy reciprocating scales every now and then. I am sure we all encounter such scales in our professional and personal relationships. Taking an example of what I experience more often is that many want to receive a piece of guidance for free, not knowing that it's detrimental to their growth as anything received for free I.e. without appropriate regard and reciprocation, is most likely not valued by their brain as they expect it to. It results in a negative impact on the receiver in many ways mentioned below.
Such perceived receiving most often does not lead the receiver to work on the guidance anyway!
In the process wasting the time of everyone involved. Inversely making them feel that their curiosity is pacified while not having to understand that such causeless curiosity is driving them to create roadblocks in their personal growth journey, training their mind with some make-shift false belief.
Also, possibly depriving them of the help & support they need as rejective judgments about the guidance, the provider, the world around them, and themselves kick in which results in a potential increase in overall stress and anxiety.
Getting used to such receiving forms an unhealthy habit, resulting in unhealthy relationship patterns & difficulty in managing relationships.
In many, it can also promote undue entitlement to keep receiving, which may or may not get fulfilled many times causing chronic disappointments & negative projections of their insecurities on others in their surroundings.
The bottom line is nothing that is reciprocated unharmoniously, unhealthily, and negatively can stay in harmony within one's being & surroundings for long.
Over the course of ten years, as I matured in my journey as a coach through various such experiences, some good and some not so pleasant, I was compelled to think about why humans seek some form of positive exchange from other humans. What makes them seek positive reciprocations in any form i.e. acknowledgment, appreciation, encouragement, tangible or intangible acts of acceptance?
I've realized that fundamentally humans seek connections to survive which makes them feel heard, seen, and loved. It's how we have evolved making ourselves part of the community, building safety nets around us, and forming - maintaining - nurturing relationships that come with it. To various degrees, all of this provides for our fundamental needs for safety and connection. Reciprocation is the most essential tool we know of to facilitate those nurturing connections through harmonious & healthily practiced acts of giving & receiving.
At the basic level, we can define Reciprocation as a form of affection, we willingly share with others. This kind of exchange can promote various *health benefits to both practitioners.
It promotes the release of hormones like serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin that can aid in promoting pleasure & happiness while reducing stress & anxiety levels as it lowers the release of cortisol hormone.
Oxytocin is a neuromodulator that positively influences various human social behaviors affected by mood regulations, increasing a sense of connection with others.
It can open up one's heart space by reducing blood pressure & stress and cultivates longevity.
Knowing what we know, it's often seen that we don't practice reciprocation as much as we must to keep our society, communities, or personal & professional relationships in good shape. Over time a gender agnostic pattern has emerged explaining the possible causes of less practiced positive reciprocation. This pattern suggests that humans who actively practice and are in line with their feminine characteristics are typical givers who are also often found to have not been reciprocated enough yet are ready to give more and positively. While the act of positive giving starts with good intent, however unharmonious & unbalanced scales of giving & receiving often result in malicious intents or sour relationships, be it in the personal or professional arena.
Another side of the story may mean that there could be many situational triggers that can compel people to choose not to practice positive reciprocation. Some of the leading indicators of them are:
Disregard for the value of what is received.
Not having the ability to recognize something is received.
Entitlement to receive.
Re-living past exploitation in the present moment, settling scores to pacify the past unjust in one's own way.
Beliefs that are influenced by cultural practices.
Survival or lack of mindset.
Lack of rational & in-the-present thinking. Simply put being penny wise pound foolish.
The goal here is not to box what kind of act or which side of the practitioner is good or bad but to identify blockers along with what practices are conducive to our health, well-being, and happiness contributed by the act of reciprocation.
To unlock the power of reciprocation, we can build healthy systems if some of the suggested practices are intentionally followed or encouraged, starting from an individual level:
Recognize how giving is practiced. Build your vocabulary around it and observe how it is expressed in many ways. For instance through,
Expressed Thoughts and Words.
Practicing Positive Behaviors.
Exhibition of Positive Values. E.g. time, commitment, patience, active presence, attention, punctuality, respect, reverence, following a role model, etc.
Expression of hearty Emotions.
Positive intentions that are practiced through Prayers.
Gifts, vouchers, personalized articles, service fees, etc.
Be actively present, involved, and observant to recognize the act of giving & its gravity. At the same time, keep open, receptive, and positive communication between the giver & receiver at all times. Practice appropriate discernment to say yes or no while being flexible to understand that it's not always possible that the reciprocation is practiced instantly or delayed or many times never. It's not a match of keeping scores but a practice to cultivate better relationships, with oneself and with others.
Take the lead and reciprocate. Do not wait for another to do what is needed while watching out for over-giving and over-receiving behaviors.
Prepare in advance and keep a few simple ways to reciprocate handy. Being thoughtful & mindful about which scenarios to prepare for, what sensitivity it requires to be handled with so the other person is in consideration, and what kind of reciprocation can truly fit, is an art built when practiced more often. Scenarios that play out reciprocation can be classified into three modes based on the time factor involved:
In-the-moment reciprocation
Post-the event reciprocation
Delayed reciprocation
Know that reciprocation does not always come with a price tag. Having said that be informed that being miserly or stingy (regarding any form of practice mentioned in point #1) without a cause is something more detrimental to the receiver's overall well-being & health than the one who actively practices harmonious & appropriate giving. To find innovative ways for positive reciprocation, think out-of-the-box & creatively, or simply take inspiration & learn from a few around you who do it well. You can also consider using AI assistance to pitch in some positive recommendations.
Being observant & honest about your internal hurdles i.e. are you presenting yourself with more reasons or justifications to not give or receive? Learn to discern what your limits are concerning receiving and/or giving. Once that's known gather internal strength to say yes and/or no to what you can or cannot reciprocate harmoniously. However, the goal should be to keep increasing your capacity to give and receive graciously.
Start small and more importantly Start. For instance, practice with this small exercise. Proactively incorporate a practice of 5 minutes of acts of kindness every single day without anything to seek in return/reciprocation. As you progress, apply these in your daily life, from the smallest to the most important engagements. Reciprocate aptly in the ways mentioned in point #1 of this list.
Practice daily mindfulness to cultivate calmness, clarity, and being present in the moment making you more actively involved & observant of your surroundings and voluntarily wanting to be part of the collaborative narrative of positive reciprocation.
Seek counsel when your efforts are not working out and it becomes difficult to balance the scale of reciprocation. An external, neutral perspective through mentoring or coaching can steer your hurdles in a more consistent, positive, and persisting direction. Seek appropriate counseling and/or therapy in case your hurdles are increasingly hampering your daily well-being and relationships around you, affecting you deep within through uncontrollable behaviors, unexplained rigidity, and/or excessively unpleasant thoughts or emotions.
Above all, the reciprocation when understood merely as a tool and practiced mechanically leaves a transactional imprint on the psyche of both the giver & receiver. While this could work for starters, we need another approach to sustain the practice of harmonious reciprocation. In cultivating long-lasting healthy relationships, if the common denominator of the act of reciprocation is missing then it becomes a heartless, mentally concocted, excessively logic-driven, obligatory protocol that loses its good essence. That common denominator is nothing but Genuineness. To retain the genuine factor of reciprocation, one can incrementally & intentionally practice the following:
Neither because it's a new cool thing to reciprocate nor because it's a people-pleasing mechanism to practice; an honest voluntary free will can take you far.
Other's benefit precedes any other thought in the act of healthy reciprocation; keep clear & positive intent and communication.
The positive expression of the intent. How reciprocation is expressed holds the highest value. What is valued most by humans is reciprocation which encompasses human connections i.e. through healthy, harmonious, and positively practiced behaviors—thoughts, words, tones, bodily expressions, and unseen behaviors that are typically enacted behind one's presence.
Good reciprocation demands good work as nothing comes easy when it comes to managing one's self and/or relationships. Good & persistent work needs to be put in. The goal of reciprocation is neither to be co-dependent nor to be independent beings but to nurture our interdependency individually and collectively. That's where the magic happens, in all the ups & downs of diverse experiences! The results of such progressive focus on personal growth facilitate the maintenance of healthy & functional relationships; both personally & professionally.
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About Author:
Tejal Rathod - Tj (she/her)
Peter Drucker Management Excellence Award-Winner by the University of Oxford, UK.
eDC - elementsD Coach Professional Services
Empower | Transform | Evolve
Disclaimer: No written part of this blog is produced using AI Assistance. Thoughts or terminology presented in this blog are individual perspectives and are neither meant to cause harm in any form, make any incorrect judgments, present details in full, nor gain undue influence from any (if) mentioned organization and/or entity and/or persons. Use your discretion while making inferences. Images credit wix.com. References: *Why giving is good for your health? https://health.clevelandclinic.org/why-giving-is-good-for-your-health
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